Daleks- Stand Up for Your Rights!!! The unreleased Dalek Episode

Darren loves Dr Who. Always has, and was thrilled when it returned, as millions of other mid-thirties men were who grew up thinking that club-swinging cave-dwelling side-kick Leela would make a great girlfriend when they were nine.

I also, loved Dr Who when I was a dungeree-wearing roller-skating kid- and I have a confession to make- I love the new ones too.

Which is what got us onto a topic of conversation in bed the other night, when, I had one of my usual off-the-wall-lateral-thinking moments...I put the question: would it all have been different if the Daleks had been in a Union?



Scene i:

(Two Daleks come on from Right of Stage into a Wetherspoons pub Interior)

(Dalek 1) Jeff: Alright Pete

(Dalek2) Pete: Alright Jeff

Jeff: How's the missus Pete?

Pete: (wiggles his eye-stalk) Alright thanks mate, y'know. She's a lovely piece of kit- y'know, but she's a Cylon, know wot I mean? Christ those Cylons....they just give you grief, year in, year out...

Jeff: Oh I know mate, oh I know (wiggles plunger in exasperation) - my Pauline, a right goer in the right department, but gawd, she's a real Cyberbabe in the wrong way when she gets off on one, "why aren't you hoovering the stairs, blah blah blah". I hate the bar steward that wrote it in that we could suddenly hover. I pretended that I couldn't make it to the top landing before that.

Pete: Yeah mate you've got the worst of both worlds there mate...emotionless and a woman.


(Jeff and Pete both take a moment to dip their plungers into a pitcher of Lager)


Pete: Burrrrp 'Cuse me. Always catches me circuits that does.

Jeff: Y'know...I do wonder sometimes why we do this job. Davros is always goin' on about 'supremacy' and 'extermination'- but where does it get us?

Pete: Yeah and we don't get paid. But at least we get job satisfaction.

Jeff: Job satisfaction? What job satisfaction? I go home after a day of murder destruction and mayhem and it's always the same. It doesn't make socialising any easier either- I always end up killin' potential mates.

Pete: hmm gotta point there son.

Jeff: (hushed dalek tone) I think we should form a Union.

Pete: WHHHAAATT??

Jeff: Yeah mate...a UNION!!

Pete: Why would I want to be in a Dalek Union?

Jeff: Well. working hours for a start! After 12 hrs me hover laser starts to short circuit. Surely its against EEC Health and Safety Regulations?

Pete: Hmm...

Jeff: AND what about pay?

Pete: What pay?

Jeff: EXACTLY mate. Davros is there, lording it about, fancy buttons to push and everything, and what do we get?

Pete: Errmm...

Jeff: It's all very well for the Emperor to sit on his backside in his fancy spaceship orderin' us about, but whose gonna tell the missus that our two week holiday on the other side of Skaro is cancelled due to "another unexpected attack on Earth"??!!

Pete (sips more lager through his plunger): That'll be you Jeff.

Jeff: Exactly. Muggins 'ere. Another wasted two week invasion of Earth, only to be sent packin' by that bloke in that Blue Box and his latest bird.

Pete (Pauses): I like the curly haired one though- with the scarf. He was alright- he gave me a few jelly babies once. Nice bloke.

Jeff: Yeah, yeah, I'll give you that. Better than that psycho from Salford last year. He wouldn't give you the time of day.

Pete: Yeah. He just had a hissy fit and started flappin'. His bird had to sort that out.

Pete and Jeff (together): Northern poof.

Jeff: But this brings me back to my point. Our working conditions are the worst in the Galaxy.

Pete: Such as?

Jeff: Well as I said- no pay, no contracted working hours, no pension and no sick leave. Davros makes you commit hari-kari if you have a sniffle: programmed to commit suicide if there's a chance you'll be made prisoner! No Geneva Convention for us, mate.

Pete: Yeah look at Mike last year. Poor sod.

Jeff: PLUS plus (sips more lager, getting more and more loud and drunk) plusss...no contract, no bonus pay. No overtime. Infact, no pay at all- supposed to do it for ' The Greater Supremacy Of The Daleks.' Greater Supremacy- where does that get us? My bank manager wouldn't even give me a mortgage.

Pete: No way! After you fixed his sink as well! What did you do?

Jeff (burps loudly): Exterminated him.

Pete: Fair do's. (wiggles his eye stalk)

Jeff: AND we have to put that stupid voice on.

Pete: Yeah- in the 70s they made me sound like Zippy from Rainbow.

Jeff: You know, that Davros- he aint so hard y'know. He can't even boast he gets his spare parts from Halfords.

Pete: He thinks giving us a spray-job of metallic car paint is giving us an upgrade.

Jeff: Exactly mate. Although the missus quite liked it, I was council-house grey before. And I had that obvious kitchen-whisk arm replaced by a proper laser, like. So, your missus...did she give you the eye when you came in the house looking like that?

Pete: She loved it- she was bombin' around like KITT off Knightrider. Zoom-zoom, zoom-zoom, her little eye went. So romantic.

Jeff: Aww. Lahhhh-vely.

Pete(looks at watch): Corr blimey, I better get back to her...old Davvy might think he's the Boss, but we know who the real boss is, don't we mate?

Jeff and Pete (in unison): Her Indoors.



Exit Left.