We named him James Alexander. He was due 21st April 2010.
I had a textbook pregnancy up until the 6th month. Then I was diagnosed with SPD- my pelvic ligaments were too loose. Cue agonising walking, infact just plain moving was agony. Being pregnant, I was forbidden to use painkillers. But I was reassured by the Obstetric physio assured me it wouldn't effect my baby, it was temporary and would stop when I gave birth. I was given crutches so I could mobilise.
Then March 5th, 2010: James was declared dead at 33weeks, 4 days. He hadn't moved much the previous day, and so I called the Maternity Unit and was admitted for a reassuring scan. He was alive one minute...then he died, right there in the Maternity Unit.
I had to give birth.
I was induced Sunday, March 7th 2010. It was tricky at first, as my blood pressure went through the roof before labour, & the doctors were extremely concerned I was going to go into seizure. Apparently it was touch and go for a while. I was very poorly, my body was going into shock, although I felt as 'fine' as I could in those circumstances.
The staff at Victoria Hospital were sensational...they put Darren & I in the private Oasis labour room, down the corridor, away from the Live birth rooms. I was put on a Morphine drip and given gas/air.
Here is our beautiful boy.
As I write, we are still grief-stricken and struggling to cope with losing our precious child. I find it very difficult to express the Hell we have been through these past 3 months. All I can do, is share this poem, written by another Angel Mummy, which makes me cry every time I read it, but gives me solace too.
A Mother's Poem.
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say.
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God can you be a Mother
When your baby’s not with you?
Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day
And some I send to fill your womb
But there’s no need to stay.
I just don’t understand this, God
I want my baby here
He took a breath and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say.
We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.
My Mummy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mum
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quickly
My Mummy set me free.
I miss my Mummy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
On her pillows where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear.
Mummy don’t be sad today
I’m your baby and I’m here.
So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are ok
Your babies are here in my Home
And this is where they’ll stay.
They’ll wait for you with me
Until your lesson there is through
And on the day that you come home
They’ll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother
Its the feeling in your heart.
It’s the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realise
Until their time is done.
Remember all the love you have
And know you are a special Mum.
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say.
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God can you be a Mother
When your baby’s not with you?
Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day
And some I send to fill your womb
But there’s no need to stay.
I just don’t understand this, God
I want my baby here
He took a breath and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say.
We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.
My Mummy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mum
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quickly
My Mummy set me free.
I miss my Mummy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
On her pillows where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear.
Mummy don’t be sad today
I’m your baby and I’m here.
So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are ok
Your babies are here in my Home
And this is where they’ll stay.
They’ll wait for you with me
Until your lesson there is through
And on the day that you come home
They’ll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother
Its the feeling in your heart.
It’s the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realise
Until their time is done.
Remember all the love you have
And know you are a special Mum.
--------------------
Cherish your children.
Please. Do not take the miracle of life forgranted.
